The Real Story of the Three Idiotic, Retarded and Smart Assed pigs


I’m sure everyone knows the story of the Three Little Pigs right? Ok but things are not what they seem! You see, it all really started with just backing a cake for my sickly granny. It was her 23rd wedding anniversary so I wanted to help my grandpa and grandma celebrate because they were both sick
When I was baking the cake, I found that I did not have enough sugar. So I went out to get some sugar from my lovely neighbours, the pigs. But I did admit that I had caught a cold yesterday when it was raining. As I did not want to disappoint my grandparents, I had to put up with the cold and bake the stupid cake for them. Then, I still had to make their favourite Singapore Laksa with many sea cockles! Where on earth could I find cheap genuine and fresh sea cockles for them?!?! The market sells them for 1kg 300 dollars! What the hell? And the beach that they catch sea cockles from is 5 miles away! So I had to fork out my savings to give them a memorable wedding anniversary… sometimes, I really wonder why they are such a nuisance.
So I went out and the 1st thing I did was to go to the bank and withdrew $1200 so that I could but 4kg of sea cockles. Then, I went to the market and bought 4kg of them.
Then, I went to the doctors to get my anti-sneezing for 12 hours medicine. But because I had fresh alive sea cockles with me, they chased me out because I had the stench of them.
I tried other clinics and poly-clinics and even hospitals but all I got was being chased out.
So I had to try and put up with my sneezing.
Then I went to my neighbours to borrow some sugar. The 1st neighbour built his house out of... STRAW! What? Who in the right state of mind would build his/her house out of STRAW! This guy obviously had no common sense that when the wind blows, this whole darn thing would just collapse! So I cared less and knocked on the door and said, “little pig little pig, I’m in need of some sugar to bake a cake. So would you please lend me some?” After 1 minute, I received a response, “hey I know that you’re the idiotic big bad wolf who wants to eat me inside out! Never will I open this damned door so that you would come in and kill me!
Then, I felt that one of the straw had caressed against my nose, then, I could not bear with it any longer and then I sneezed. What happened next was stupid and as I had expected, the whole darn stupid retarded straw house just collapsed! Then, there stood the stupid retarded pig who built his retarded house out of straw. I though, since granny liked pig meat, I just had to slit that fat pig’s throat and he would be granny’s dinner. But I had vowed not to kill any pigs for the rest of my life so I left him alone.
Then, I went to the second house. This guy’s a little smarter than his retarded little brother pig. He built his house out of sticks. But if there was rain, the whole darn structure would be icky and unfit for living. This one was idiotic. At least his retarded pig’s straw house’s door could withstand my gentle knock but when I knocked gently on the door, it fell! There stood the idiotic pig, dead as a doornail.
Then I heard a scream. It was the retarded pig running and screaming away towards my direction and then, he hit the durian tree and died.
So I left the idiotic pig and went to the third pig’s house. Now this one’s a little interesting. He built his house out of bricks. He must have been the smarty pants of the house, unlike his two idiotic and retarded little pigs. So I pressed on the doorbell and asked, “little pig, little pig, could I borrow some sugar so that I could bake a lovely cake for my granny?”
A moment later, he responded, “never! You idiotic big bad wolf! Wolves don’t have grannies, even if they had, I wouldn’t believe you! And if you had one, she could go and sit on a pin!” “You just want me as dinner right? If so, you can just go to hell!”
Ok, I’m fine if that smart ass show off scolds me but I just can’t stand his attitude and when he scolds my granny, I get all worked up and go a little crazy.
So again, I heard screams and this time, it was the idiotic pig running towards me. He hit another durian tree and died.
So I wanted to get back at that damned smart ass show off for scolding my granny and I kept knocking on the door and kept sneezing. There was really a commotion and that darned little pig went to report me to the police about me harassing and creating a nuisance outside his house and within minutes, I was arrested and charged to court.
On the very same day all that happened, I was in court and I told the judge the exact same story and then the judge took pity on me and let me go. She said, “ because he was agitated and he did not commit any murder and he was just trying to borrow some sugar for his dear old grandparents, I hereby let him go with a warning and as for the little pig, he scolded the wolf’s granny, he agitated him and therefore, he created a nuisance outside his house and he also made a false call to the police, he will be charged with a fine of up to $ 1,000,000 and for the mother of the pigs, she will be charged for giving birth to two stupid retarded pigs and she will be imprisoned to 5 years.”
Luckily, nearby the court house, there was a provision shop selling sugar and I bought it.
So I went back home and cooked the most delicious Singapore Laksa with tons and tons of sea cockles and a delicious cake for my grandparents. They had the most memorable wedding anniversary ever and I had the most memorable day of my life ever.
The End
Written by: Leonard Sim Jun Jie: D